The Lonely Moments

This is my Life: Electronic Friendships

Motherhood is wonderful.  Every mother knows that.  The moment your baby holds your finger for the first time, the first smile, the first steps, the connection when your baby is nursing and you look down and the immense love you feel for this little person just brings tears to your eyes.  The moments where your children are loving each other and you are so proud and joyous inside seeing them hugging each other on their own time.  Kissing your husband and having your little family and looking at this little beauty that you made together. But, with all these wonderful moments, comes lots of alone time, which seems odd for a stay at home mama.  

 My house is filled with children everyday, all day.  You wouldn't think for a moment I would feel any ounce of loneliness.  But, I do.  The children bring me laughter and lots of noise everyday.  We do activities, but my heart and mind are focused on children.  The little muffins can not be my friend.  Someone I can chat with about how my day is going or confide in if I woke up to a whole box of cereal poured out all over my table or talk about the joys and pains of nursing.  I COULD chat with them about this stuff, but I'd probably get empty stares or some amazingly cute remark.  

 If you think about it, there are A LOT of alone moments in motherhood.  It starts with nursing.  First, your the sole provider keeping this baby alive.  No body else can nurse your baby. Well, the could haha. But, it's you sitting up every two hours feeding your baby, alone in the night. Often times there are family and friend gatherings after you have your baby.  If it's your first baby, you aren't completely comfortable nursing in front of a group of people so you remove yourself and go to a bedroom.  Say you are out at a restaurant and although you fed your baby in the car before going in, baby needs more and you leave the lovely meal and go stand in a bathroom stall and nurse, missing family time or even just some chat time with your husband.  Or, perhaps a family birthday party and it can make men uncomfortable, even if you are covered, if you are just sitting there chatting like nothing is going on under the beautiful cloak, so we respectively move to another room. Nursing in front of my Dad, no no :) Again, missing out on real life adult conversation. 

Then comes actually getting out of the house to make it to stuff.  This is a chore in itself!! Bundling up the children, starting the process sometimes an hour in advance so we get to where we need to be on time.  Exhaustion if you didn't sleep the night before or the days were so trying, that in the end, all you want to do IS stay home and snuggle at home to catch another hour power nap while your muffin naps on you so you can continue to function when your needed. 

 There are times, when I'm sitting in the back of church, especially when I was still nursing in the "nursing room", that I'd be sitting there alone listening to the message, hoping another Mom will have to feed her baby soon, so I can maybe get 10 minutes of chat time with a friend.  Just to see how their days are going and mine and chat about our nights and lack of sleep or teething babies, anything!  

Yes, I could chat with other Moms at the park or the library, but I'm usually keeping tabs on more than one child, which leaves my conversation to zero.  Or an attempt at a conversation but chatting as I walk away to make sure my kids are safe.  Even play groups, the conversation is desired amongst all of us but between the noise and the continual constant need of our children, it's hard.  Adult interaction is pretty much non existent. 

Winter does not help.  Every week someone's kiddos are sick again.  It's sooo hard!! We are restricted to the indoors a lot, which I'd have to say, this year we have ventured out a lot now that the kids are getting older.  It's nice that my older two love to be outside and playing in the snow. But, my youngest only lasts maybe 20 minutes out there before he becomes really fussy and cold which leaves me peering out our side window and gazing upon my boys playing.  We may have a little play group planned with a friend and someone comes down with something and our conversation is then left to, our electronic friendship.  Which, let me tell you, I'm so grateful for electronics.   When I'm having  a bad day or struggling with something or something I came across struck me so funny, I can log onto fb and chat with my close girlfriends. I have a wonderful group of women that I can confide in and chat with via messenger, but to physically see them and talk with them, there's no comparison.  

 Our husbands work.  It's not always easiest for them to talk on the phone or text whenever we need them.  As much as they would want to be there for us, it's not feasible.  They are the person we see most and the person that can bring us the greatest comfort and intimacy.  But, when it comes to chatting about hormones, PMS, womanly issues,etc, as much as you can chat to your husband (which I do, and I get the most gracious responses), they can't relate. The don't know how we feel, they will be sympathetic, but to hear the words, "I know exactly what you mean", it's like figuring out a diagnosis.  It's music to the ears.  And to hear how other woman handled it and overcame certain obstacles, it's wonderful. 

Just as a note:  because you feel lonely does not make you a terrible mother.  It is a VERY common feeling.  We are giving all of ourselves everyday all day.  It's very trying and I know none of us would give it up, but, it gets hard not having someone sometimes to sit with you.

So, what should you do?
--- Read ALOT.  I have this book I'm reading with a dear friend that I've "made" my mentor. haha.  I just told her the other night that although she is my best friend, she's also now my mentor.  We are reading our book together and chatting when we can and we finally put a meeting on the calendar and will do so a couple times a month.  Find someone you can do this with.  Just talking on the phone with her about struggles as a wife and Mom, it's so comforting to hear how she relates and can provide the wisdom we all long for.  

---Continue your electronic friendships.  To just encourage through messenger or text is so important.  It may not be ideal, but it is what it is. Get the prayers you need when you need them.  It's a support system! 
---Take time for yourself.  This was a big realization for me this weekend.  I DO NOT take time for myself, clearly another struggle of mine (imperfect)!  I for some reason just feel like I can't leave or don't want to leave when my family is all here.  Those few hours I get with my husband after the kids go to bed are something I long for all day long. To give those up just seemed crazy!!!! But, what good is that special time, if your not in a good place.  It's a healthy transition.  To care for ourselves so we can care for others.  I'm just stepping into this! 
---DATE nights!!!! Before our last date night which we had to ask almost every person we knew to watch our children so we (I) could just get a couple hours alone with my husband, I couldn't tell you the last date night we had had together.  I think this is a struggle most couples face when they have children.  Is actually getting out of the house together and finding someone they can trust with their children and actually GETTING out.  You don't realize how important these nights and time with your man actually are and so important for a healthy marriage. It started with you two ;)  We definitely need more of these on the books!
---As hard as it it sometimes when your alone nursing in that room and that immense joy you usually feel isn't present at the moment, just look down(at baby, not the floor haha).  Think of something in that moment that you are grateful for, write it down on a sticky and just stick it on the wall near where you nurse.  You'll have this little mural if you will, of all these moments in that same spot that have happened.  Just a thought :)